Tag Archives: running

Filling my Void…

Ever been an addict ? Have an addiction that consumes you? Fantasize about your next moment that you can get your fix ?  Addictions are real, they are haunting.  I’m not so self-absorbed to know that there are much worse addictions to have than the one I had with food. But an addiction it was.  All consuming is not an exaggeration.   Being embarrassingly honest here is not easy.  But I write this for me, not for you.

Food had always been ….well….everything to me.  It’s what I used to celebrate.  It’s what I used to comfort.  It’s what I used to have fun.  I’ve typed and erased this next line at least 10 times….ugh, but here it is.  It was the first thing I would think about when waking up.  I don’t know where this battle came from, but it has had it’s grips on me tight!

I have a memory of being young and food being my comfort even back then.  I was home alone at night with my brother and my parents were out.  He was upstairs sleeping without a care in the world. I was down on the couch, scared..hearing every creaky noise in that old house. On the couch I had a blanket pulled up over my head.  I remember thinking…the only thing in the world that will get me through this…..are the left over sausages from dinner.  This is a true story.  Who thinks like this ? I jumped up and ran to the kitchen and took the cold little breakfast sausages that were still in the pan.  Back under the blanket I went…nibbling on those sausages like they had super powers to protect me from any intruder that would show up.

I’m guessing that this is how other addictions manifest themselves too.  A constant battle.  The moments that were always associated  with food…which in my case…were all the moments but sleeping….now seem a bit more empty.

I’m writing all of this out of a realization I had the other day.

As of lately all I do is think, dream and talk of crazy trail races.  Big plans of training and booking dates to look forward to.  My partner looks at me and says ” I just don’t get it. So you are paying money to run a distance that you’ve ALREADY accomplished?”

” Why?”

I have some reasons that I would list.  I like the comradery of the races.  Something to work towards. Meeting new people. The competition against myself. Bla, Bla, Bla…!

It wasn’t until the other night when the computer was put down and I jumped up to get a snack did it start setting in.  First…I just ate, I’m not hungry. 2nd – I have a tiny stomach, of course I’m not fuckin hungry.  3rd- I’ve never needed to be hungry in the past to eat. 4th. I still had my snack.  And 5th.  Holy Shit!! I’ve been doing this every night !!

Pick the computer back up and look for another race!!

Nothing makes me feel more alive than running on a trail. When I’m done…I can take on the world.  The planning, training and everything that leads up to that day is all part of it.  And….it keeps me busy, keeps me focused.  When I’m engaged in the whole process, I have no time to think about the absence of something that was such a huge part of my life.

If we take away something that is such a huge part of us, and don’t replace it ….we are left feeling empty.  What a horrible feeling.

Did I just self analyze myself ??? Ahhhh….a smile to my face.  Damn…I really am amazing!

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Winter Training …

I DREAD it !!

If it seems like I’ve been spending a lot of time complaining about the cold weather and how it’s playing a big role in all of my “issues” aka = lazy ass syndrome.  It’s because I HAVE.  And you only have 3 more good solid months of my bitching and complaining.  I’m trying to do better…get into a better mind set, but it’s COLD OUT THERE damn it !!!! Brrrrr…..

I did make some progress this weekend.  I started looking at races and trying to begin planning my 2012 race schedule.  Training keeps me motivated.  Makes me stick to what I want to achieve.  But I’m honestly scared of committing. Training through the winter is going to be miserable ! At least I’m assuming so …since I HATE being cold.  Do you have experience training through the winter months? Tell me it’s not so bad…

I’ve heard from ” Liz” a couple of times.  Remember she’s the Ultra Super Woman who owns an Endurance Coaching Company with her husband. She was wondering  if I was still interested in coaching.  I had told her that It was probably not realistically in my budget.  And since that’s one of my big goals for 2012 = to use my brain more.  I would probably be holding off on the professional training.  She obviously believes that I am a running prodigy with even more potential. Not sure how she got all of that from just talking to me on the phone…but it’s very apparent that she’s got the insight.  She has said ” I will work with you….and make sure you achieve what you set out to do.” I’m thinking…she must  see some racing sponsorship possibilities in my future.  Or…..like the rest of us, hard economical times have hit her business too.

Either way…I’m pumping up myself for Saturday’s race! My goal is to have a better idea of race dates by the weekend and move forward with planning to plan ” The Plan”. !

Me... with my Game Face on...

Let’s talk winter training plans….

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Filling the void…

With running.  I guess that’s what I’m doing.?  It’s no secret that food was my ” go to” for EVERYTHING.  Happy? = EAT. Sad ? = EAT. What to do for fun? = Let’s go out and EAT!   So of course, Thanksgiving  had always been one of my favorite holidays.  Everyone is EXPECTED to stuff their faces until close to vomiting.  I would wake up thinking about all of the different foods that I would be able to consume.  Truly a love affair.  I’m not proud…but I am being honest.

The holiday didn’t have the same intrigue as it once did.  How could it, now with my tiny belly?  Having surgery to lose weight is so much more involved, then making your stomach smaller, eating less and losing weight.  If anyone tells you it’s less than a total mind fuck they are being less than honest with you.  Would I have done things differently ? Besides having it done sooner….absolutely not.  But it’s still a struggle. 

Who would’ve thought that my new first thought when waking up on Thanksgiving morning would be…” my god, it’s a perfect day for a run! Hope I have time to get in 6.”    Getting in 8 ? ….Yes, I am Thankful ! I’m thankful that I have found something to distract my mind and fill whatever void is left from all the crap I used to throw into my body just for the sport of it.

Often people will ask ” Why?” ….why do you want to run that far? Why do you want to race? I just don’t get it….I realize that’s so much more complicated to explain than I realized…

…Because now that I’m not carrying around 100 extra lbs…it’s kind of enjoyable.

…. Because it’s cheaper than therapy..

… Because it takes my mind away from the fact that my eating issues were an addiction…once an addict, always an addict..the fight is daily….running is my ” AA” ..

… Because I have never felt anything better than the wind on my face…and the pounding of my feet on the dirt… and If I happen to splash in a puddle and get my socks dirty…even better !!

…finally…because I CAN ! Because something, someone blessed me with the opportunity to wake up another morning…to push myself just a bit further than I did the day before, and I’m not  wasting one moment with regrets that I didn’t ..

Find what you’re missing….and fill it with something that makes you whole again!

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Fight Club ..

Why am I associating my new (beginners) running club with ..Fight Club ?? I have NO idea…but I am !  For some reason every time I think about or mention “running club” – Fight Club pops in my head.  Crazy..I’ve never even seen the movie ! Maybe it’s my inner struggle that sublimely keeps telling me to keep fighting? or..maybe I just want to  feel cool like the guys in Fight Club?  ( that’s probably more like it )

Anyway…last night was my first meeting with the group.  The first actual meeting was last week, but like all of you know I was in Boston.  Of course at the beginning it was just like I kind of feared it would be.  Everyone seemed to make fast friends last week, and were all chatting it up about last week, their runs for the week, who is now BFF’s with who…bla bla.  There seemed to have  been clique’s already.  Now if I knew that last week was the official “bonding” session and everyone would fastly <( don’t think this is an actual word, but I like it just the same ) fall in love with one another I would have flew home early from Boston to be apart of the love fest.  So I’m definetly probably being overly a little over dramatic, but it was a little disappointing.  No worries though…I migrated to a group ( the larger people, who looks like they might be on the slower side group) and chimed in with a witty line.  ” ummm, soooo…how long did you guys run for last week?”   Ok…maybe not so witty, but at least I was talking to a group…now known as the ” cool kids group” !

So fight club was a rude awakening to just how out of shape I truly am.  But as we were running ( and I was about to collapse ) one of the girls mentioned that she just ran her first 5K…and then corrected herself and said ” well more like walked and stumbled my first 5K ” and I KNEW I was in the right group. :)

Tomorrow night is the clubs April meeting and I would actually love to go..but I have a work thing at night, so I can’t.  I’m really hoping to get involved as much as I can, and feel comfortable with because It feels kind of cool to be a part of a “club”.  Am I dork? …maybe….but that won’t stop me from ordering a official club jacket !! lol

It’s kind of funny.  From all of the running blogs that I read of my blogging friends, sometimes I feel like a running expert ( in my mind only of course! ).   Whether it’s about marathons, the benefits of running, or even barefoot running..I feel like I know it all.  In my mind I run effortlessly…( for more than 4 minutes at a clip), 5K’s seem totally doable and my 1/2 marathon is not out of the question.  BUT…once I start shuffling these feet, I’m smacked in the face by reality.  Either way…. my loyal followers keep pushing me on, and I thank you!!

“Hey, you created me. I didn’t create some loser alter-ego to make myself feel better. Take some responsibility!”

-Fight Club

** This post was from April 2010-  What a difference a year and a half can make. 

My first half marathon 9/2011

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