Filling my Void…

Ever been an addict ? Have an addiction that consumes you? Fantasize about your next moment that you can get your fix ?  Addictions are real, they are haunting.  I’m not so self-absorbed to know that there are much worse addictions to have than the one I had with food. But an addiction it was.  All consuming is not an exaggeration.   Being embarrassingly honest here is not easy.  But I write this for me, not for you.

Food had always been ….well….everything to me.  It’s what I used to celebrate.  It’s what I used to comfort.  It’s what I used to have fun.  I’ve typed and erased this next line at least 10 times….ugh, but here it is.  It was the first thing I would think about when waking up.  I don’t know where this battle came from, but it has had it’s grips on me tight!

I have a memory of being young and food being my comfort even back then.  I was home alone at night with my brother and my parents were out.  He was upstairs sleeping without a care in the world. I was down on the couch, scared..hearing every creaky noise in that old house. On the couch I had a blanket pulled up over my head.  I remember thinking…the only thing in the world that will get me through this…..are the left over sausages from dinner.  This is a true story.  Who thinks like this ? I jumped up and ran to the kitchen and took the cold little breakfast sausages that were still in the pan.  Back under the blanket I went…nibbling on those sausages like they had super powers to protect me from any intruder that would show up.

I’m guessing that this is how other addictions manifest themselves too.  A constant battle.  The moments that were always associated  with food…which in my case…were all the moments but sleeping….now seem a bit more empty.

I’m writing all of this out of a realization I had the other day.

As of lately all I do is think, dream and talk of crazy trail races.  Big plans of training and booking dates to look forward to.  My partner looks at me and says ” I just don’t get it. So you are paying money to run a distance that you’ve ALREADY accomplished?”

” Why?”

I have some reasons that I would list.  I like the comradery of the races.  Something to work towards. Meeting new people. The competition against myself. Bla, Bla, Bla…!

It wasn’t until the other night when the computer was put down and I jumped up to get a snack did it start setting in.  First…I just ate, I’m not hungry. 2nd – I have a tiny stomach, of course I’m not fuckin hungry.  3rd- I’ve never needed to be hungry in the past to eat. 4th. I still had my snack.  And 5th.  Holy Shit!! I’ve been doing this every night !!

Pick the computer back up and look for another race!!

Nothing makes me feel more alive than running on a trail. When I’m done…I can take on the world.  The planning, training and everything that leads up to that day is all part of it.  And….it keeps me busy, keeps me focused.  When I’m engaged in the whole process, I have no time to think about the absence of something that was such a huge part of my life.

If we take away something that is such a huge part of us, and don’t replace it ….we are left feeling empty.  What a horrible feeling.

Did I just self analyze myself ??? Ahhhh….a smile to my face.  Damn…I really am amazing!

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4 thoughts on “Filling my Void…

  1. The trail running filling your void is a better fill. I can relate to the always thinking about food, when I restrict foods, I JUST WANT MORE FOOD.
    It’s tough, but that’s great that you seem to have it under control. You grabbed a snack and realized that you weren’t even hungry. I’d grab a snack, realize I’m not hungry, and consume it anyway.

  2. bittercharm says:

    For some bravery is in the battle field, some find it in the ocean, so dark and deep, for me brave is the one who can strip himself/herself to the bones and admit, This is Me. This is ME.

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